Antisemitism and the Ease (Luxury?) of Being a Bystander
Last night I was at a gathering at the home of my best friend and her husband. We were playing the game Fibbage, in which players fill in the blank in trivia questions in the hope of guessing the correct answer and tricking other players into thinking that their answer is correct. One of the questions was basically, "This 2007 book gained notoriety with the violent title "Kill the ___." Obviously, nothing that comes after that was good. One answer was "Kill the kids," another was "Kill the baby," and I personally put "Kill the bitch" (yikes). All to be expected.
What I did not expect was that one of the answers would be "Kill the Jew."
I didn't initially see the word "Jew" sitting up there with all the equally violent but less genocidal options, but once I did see it, the damage could not be undone.
Fibbage lets you see who wrote each answer after the round ends. I was not surprised to see that my friend's husband had written it. He has said antisemitic and racist things in the past, a point of frequent tension between us. He knows that I am Jewish. Despite his past comments, I was shocked by the outright violence of the statement, and his either total ignorance of how the statement would affect me or his apparent desire to make me feel uncomfortable and targeted.
We left immediately when the game ended. I didn't feel safe in the home of someone who thinks it's a joke to talk about killing me.
My friend's reaction was almost as bad as her husband's actions, and just as hurtful. She at first feigned ignorance about why we left (she damn well knew why- I could tell by the way she looked at me when she first saw the answer up on the screen) and then immediately made excuses for her husband when I called her out on it. I told her that my response to her statement was something better said in person, and I haven't heard from her since.
What would I tell her? That he has made antisemitic and racist comments in the past, that this was not a one time gaffe but rather a pattern that has given me insight into his real feelings towards Jews and people of color? That talking about killing a person due to their religion, race, or ethnicity is not a joke but rather a frighteningly violent, sick statement? That I no longer feel welcome in her home? That I am shocked and hurt by her silence and excuses? That I imagine that were this Nazi Germany, her husband would be in the SS and she would be one of the Germans who turned their heads when their friends were taken away and killed?
Why should I have to explain this to someone I consider a friend? Not only that, my best friend? Who is supposed to love me and have my true interests at heart?
I cried for hours after this happened. I considered cutting her off but decided I couldn't. I considered texting her husband and cursing him out, but realized he'd probably enjoy that. I considered the dilemma I'm in, as I'm supposed to be her maid of honor next spring. How can I stand up at the wedding of someone who hates me and someone else who silently accepts it?
My boyfriend and I are invited to the birthday party of a mutual friend next weekend. I don't know if I can face anyone who was at that gathering with any modicum of pride, and I definitely do not want to see my friend's husband.
I don't know what to do. All I know was that it was so, so easy for my friend and everyone else at the party to ignore the hate in the room.
What I did not expect was that one of the answers would be "Kill the Jew."
I didn't initially see the word "Jew" sitting up there with all the equally violent but less genocidal options, but once I did see it, the damage could not be undone.
Fibbage lets you see who wrote each answer after the round ends. I was not surprised to see that my friend's husband had written it. He has said antisemitic and racist things in the past, a point of frequent tension between us. He knows that I am Jewish. Despite his past comments, I was shocked by the outright violence of the statement, and his either total ignorance of how the statement would affect me or his apparent desire to make me feel uncomfortable and targeted.
We left immediately when the game ended. I didn't feel safe in the home of someone who thinks it's a joke to talk about killing me.
My friend's reaction was almost as bad as her husband's actions, and just as hurtful. She at first feigned ignorance about why we left (she damn well knew why- I could tell by the way she looked at me when she first saw the answer up on the screen) and then immediately made excuses for her husband when I called her out on it. I told her that my response to her statement was something better said in person, and I haven't heard from her since.
What would I tell her? That he has made antisemitic and racist comments in the past, that this was not a one time gaffe but rather a pattern that has given me insight into his real feelings towards Jews and people of color? That talking about killing a person due to their religion, race, or ethnicity is not a joke but rather a frighteningly violent, sick statement? That I no longer feel welcome in her home? That I am shocked and hurt by her silence and excuses? That I imagine that were this Nazi Germany, her husband would be in the SS and she would be one of the Germans who turned their heads when their friends were taken away and killed?
Why should I have to explain this to someone I consider a friend? Not only that, my best friend? Who is supposed to love me and have my true interests at heart?
I cried for hours after this happened. I considered cutting her off but decided I couldn't. I considered texting her husband and cursing him out, but realized he'd probably enjoy that. I considered the dilemma I'm in, as I'm supposed to be her maid of honor next spring. How can I stand up at the wedding of someone who hates me and someone else who silently accepts it?
My boyfriend and I are invited to the birthday party of a mutual friend next weekend. I don't know if I can face anyone who was at that gathering with any modicum of pride, and I definitely do not want to see my friend's husband.
I don't know what to do. All I know was that it was so, so easy for my friend and everyone else at the party to ignore the hate in the room.
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